I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
