I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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