Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
bring money and cleavage
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
