Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
