the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
