All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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