Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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