He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
