There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
