Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
