i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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