I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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