I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize