We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
