So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
