There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
