apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
