I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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