Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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