Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
