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Fuck
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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