I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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