How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Randomize
