Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
