im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize