I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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