I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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