My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
