dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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