you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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