so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
