you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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