Define "chronic" masturbator.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
