She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
