apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My pussy is not your playground.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
