She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
