STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
