I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
