Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
