Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
