there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
