I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
She said her name was "party"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
