I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
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