Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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