I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
