I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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