there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize