Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize