I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
