I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
