I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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