Soap is not a condiment
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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