Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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