booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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