he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
We were destined to go to rehab together
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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