She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
